5AM (1):

-         Disturbing: Hostages in the Australian hostage situation yesterday were taking ‘selfies’ in order to prove to social media that they were there.

5AM (2):

-         Let’s remember to show proper respect to the people that hate our guts; this includes pronouncing “Pakistan” correctly.

-         According to Obama, most of his morning is spent watching ESPN.

-         You have to admit, Obama is doing a damn good job tearing the country down.

-         Most are quick to forget that the derivation of the original Tea Party was centered on taxation.

-         Crisis averted: Mama June will NOT be filming a BBW-themed porno.

6AM (1):

-         Fun Fact: In 1839, the Capital Commission was formed.

-         Who’s the lone survivor of the NFC South?

-         What kind of a respectable name is “Thad” for a black football player?

-         And now, a simple lesson in email etiquette.

6AM (2):

-         Audio: Scott Stapp is a certified nut and the 911 tape exist to prove it.

6AM (3):

-         According to LeBron James, he’s been disrespected and he wants someone to pay!

-         Audio: Scott Stapp holds the record for the worst sports song of all time.

6AM (4):

-         Parody: What’s Paul Hogan doing these days?

-         Tragedy in Pakistan! A fifth assailant responsible for the mass killing of hundreds of Pakistan citizens has been killed.

7AM (1)

-         Audio: Frank Caliendo does a great Gruden impersonation

-         If you want to realize how screwed up we are, just take a look at the top Google searches of 2014. Coming in at number one: Robin Williams.

-         5 Random Facts

-         Professional basketball used to be a fun sport to watch until it was overrun with tattoos and rap culture.

7AM (2):

-         Audio: Bath and Body Works is the ultimate last minute shopping stop for all the women on your list.

-         The White House has issued a report telling hospitals to “prepare for climate change”

7AM (3):

-         Audio: President Obama is no jokester… but you knew that, right?

-         If you workout at a gym, don’t forget to wipe the sweat off of the machines.

-         According to a study, humans only need 60 seconds of intense workout each day.

-         Are Clinton and Cosby best friends?

-         Audio: Have you heard the most bizarre Christmas song of all time?

-         Did you happen to tune into the Elvis marathon last night?

7AM (4):

-         Audio: A senior citizen couple got ‘trapped’ inside their Mazda after thinking that the dead battery of their keyless entry system was preventing them from opening the doors from inside.

-         There was a black out at the White House yesterday. Hasn’t this been going on for the past six years?

8AM (1):

-         Audio: Happy Holidays from Barack and Michelle!

-         Tonight is the start of Chanukah

-         According to Merriam Webster’s, the word of the year is “culture.”

-         This day in history

-         Muslims may be plotting to infect our food with human excrement.

8AM (2):

-         A new survey asks respondents to list the most iconic toy of all time. Turns out the slinky came in number one. The etch-a-sketch came in second place.

-         Parody: Do you suffer from an inability to listen to the cops? Ask your doctor about Compliance.

-         Did you receive your pamphlet on how to deal with Muslim sex slaves?

8AM (3):

-         According to Obama, his morning is spent watching ESPN. We wouldn’t want him to get too much politics after all...

8AM (4):

 

-         A Missouri soldier is suing his landlord for preventing him from staying with his wife and newborn in their apartment.

9AM (1):

-         Parody: There’s a new kind of gender discrimination in town.

-         With the way the Texans are playing now, any one of us could be recruited next.

-         Celebrity birthdays

-         Kim Kardashian cropped out her own daughter in a selfie. According to her, the baby’s eyes were closed and she was “feeling her look.”

9AM (2):

-         Parents: Would you let your kids go to a teen club?

-         If you love naked Asian women, it’s time to start watching the Netflix series Marco Polo.

9AM (3):

-         The North Texas city of Denton has proposed a bill that attempts to prevent oil companies from fracking near the city limits.

-         Texas may be getting a little more gun friendly: A tax-free holiday is coming for gun buyers.

-         Burt Reynolds’s just made a load of cash on his personal auction. No word on if he actually needed the cash or not.  

9AM (4):

-         Parody: One minute inside a woman’s head

-         This morning, a gang of five mistakenly broke into the house of the Navy SEAL that claims to have killed Osama Bin Laden. The SEAL disabled all five members by hand, brewed a pot of coffee and then called the cops.

-         Ever wonder why your doctor’s office has out of date magazines? Turns out that many people end up stealing the most current ones.