5AM (1):

-         You know it was a good night in your city when you wake up to yellow police tape surrounding your neighborhood.

-         We trust Al Sharpton to solve the overwhelming amount of race problems in this country.

-         Sad news: The Lego movie is being left out of the Academy awards.

-         The black community is outraged after no black actors were nominated at the Academy awards.

-         Most people are quick to forget that Mexican is NOT a race. Calling someone a Mexican, therefore, is not racist.

5AM (2):

-         Schlumberger has announced 9,000 layoffs due to the cheap price of oil.

-         Imagine how bad this country will be when the 20-something’s start having families.

-         Bill Cosby has started to publicly address the recent rape allegations.

6AM (1):

-         It’s King Cake season and we’d like a premium cake brought right up to our studios.

-         Dax Sheppard is not pleased that he got to watch his baby come out of his wife.

-         Let’s be honest: If your name is Roger, you may not go far in life.

-         The Dallas Coyboy’s AT&T stadium uses more energy on game days than the entire country of Liberia.

-         Geography question: Could you pick out Liberia on an unmarked map?  

6AM (2):

-         According to Barack, the Muslim call to prayer is the most beautiful sound in the world.

-         Duke University has reversed its decision to publicly broadcast the Muslim call to prayer on its campus.

-         Parody: When I say Allah, you say Akbar!

-         Oklahoma executed a prisoner last night with success for the first time since the last ‘botched’ execution.

6AM (3):

-         Audio: Who exactly is Dick Poop?

-         Have you ever exercised your right to open carry your firearm?

-         When’s the last time you went to an NBA game? Going to a game today is basically like paying $150 to go to the ghetto.

-         Calls

6AM (4):

-         Calls

-         When you pay to go to a professional sports game, you don’t expect to be immersed in ghetto culture.

7AM (1)

-         Parody: Yesterday a group of NFL referees held a press conference assuring that their intentions are honorable.

-         Most people often think of the white-headed Bald Eagle as the US national bird. Turns out the Brown Eagle holds this position, however.

7AM (2):

-         According to some, smoking in bars is a huge problem in New Orleans.  

-         Parody: In New Orleans, doing illicit drugs is okay. Cigarettes on the other hand… well, that’s a disgrace to the entire state of Louisiana.

-         A Seattle police officer is being suspended without pay after calling a black person “boy.”

7AM (3):

 

-         Would it kill anyone to learn a little damn English when coming to the US?

-         Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal claims that “Islam has a problem.”

-         A woman in New York is suing the company responsible for producing Kushyfoots because she didn’t achieve an orgasm while wearing the tights

7AM (4):

-         Glen Campbell has finally won an Oscar. Sadly, he sits in al Alzheimer’s home waiting to die.

-         An all-girls school is claiming that the Vagina Monologues is sexist and places women in a very narrow classification.

-         Denzel Washington has been listed as the most liked actor of the year.

8AM (1):

-         This day in history

-         Guest: Carlos Mencia

-         Was Chewbacca actually a Mexican? All those rolling “Rrrrrs” sure made it seem like it…

8AM (2):

-         Parody: Need a hand? Try Handy J, a helping hand that’ll give you a 5-finger assist.

-         A Florida man picked up a hooker in front of a preschool. Turns out the hooker was charging well under sticker price at just $25 for the service.

-         Cajuns actually do wear hoodies, they just happen to be made from the skin of black bears.

8AM (3):

-         Great news: Starting today, you can now travel to Cuba! Is it reciprocal, though?

-         Parody: Thanks for flying Air Cuba. Please follow these simple rules and you’ll enjoy yourself.

8AM (4):

-         Parody: Planning a wedding? Check out Weatherington Country Club, where you will NEVER be killed. 

-         Duke University has decided not to play the Muslim call to prayer on their campus after widespread criticism erupted around the country.

9AM (1):

-         A Canadian hockey player is trying to change his name to “Johnny Hockey,” to follow in the footsteps of Johnny Football.

-         Celebrity birthdays – Mr. Kenneth made sure to include plenty of black celebrities this morning in an attempt to show our remorse for the fact that no black actors were picked for an Oscar.

-         Why is it that black people age so well?

9AM (2):

-         Barack hates everyone from Texas and has no shame in proving it.

-         A teenaged Muslim girl has been arrested for hugging a Korean boy band at a concert. They’re just so peaceful and loving aren’t they?

-         What’s opening up at the box office this weekend?

-         The Pharrell hat will be on display at the Grammy museum. Who really cares?

-         Do you ever watch Celebrity Apprentice? It’s a terrible show!

9AM (3):

-         Miami police are under fire for using mug shots of black people at the firing range.

-         If you suddenly became wealthy, would you continue to work? 77 percent of people claim they would.

9AM (4):

-         An English teacher in Maryland is under fire for requiring her students to write a paper describing how they would murder her.