5AM (1):

-         It’s a new day in America. The sun will rise and Barack is pleased with his ‘new’ ideas proposed in last night’s State of the Union address.

-         You know what Barack’s speeches need? More cow bell!

-         We have Barack to thank for the low gas prices, of course.

-         11 of the 12 footballs that the Patriots brought to the game were proven to be deflated by 2 psi.

5AM (2):

-         Why was Barack winking at the crowd last night during the State of the Union address?

-         It makes no sense to tax money that’s already been taxed.

-         Off topic, does anyone embroider anymore?

6AM (1):

-         According to reports, Fox News has insulted the Mayor of Paris.

-         John Kerry, the babbling Easter-island-headed fool, is the king of awkwardness.

-         Why is John Boehner orange?

-         Someone needs to do a public service to John Boehner and tell him he’s orange. Obviously no one else has the balls to do it.

-         Is it rude to give a handicapped man a standing ovation?

-         Are we just so used to the Patriots cheating that we don’t make much of it anymore?

6AM (2):

-         Calls

6AM (3):

-         Did you watch Barack’s State of the Union address last night?  

-         Obama wants you to believe that he’s the new MLK Jr.

-         Two thugs thought it would be a great idea to upload a video of them stealing an iPad to YouTube. It’s just a matter of time before these dumbasses are locked up.

-         Audio: Who knew that Martin Luther King Jr. walked on the moon?

6AM (4):

-         Would it make you happy if you found out that a supporter of ISIS was tased after proclaiming his support for the organization?

-         What’s the confusion between Celsius and centigrade?

-         Have you caught Matt LeBlanc’s new show?

7AM (1)

-         Taser Report

-         Audio: Joni Ernst grew up castrating hogs and wearing bread bags on her shoes.

-         Joni Ernst may have had to ride to school with bread bags on her shoes, but Mr. Eaux was the one pushing the broken-down bus.

7AM (2):

-         Parody: It’s best to observe Barack and Sheila Jackson Lee in their natural environment.  

-         Emails – The recurring word used in comments about Barack’s speech last night is “liar.”

-         One listener claims that he can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Barack Obama is a pathological liar.

7AM (3):

-         Question: Why would a black cop arrest a black guy that’s breaking the law?

-         Audio: If you want me to get out of your restaurant, you’ll have to shoot me!

-         If there a Spanish word for condom? Probably not for obvious reasons.

-         In America, it’s good to be a victim. It’s even better to be a trans-negro.

-         Why are people from Australia and other countries talking like they’re urban black people?

-         This day in history

7AM (4):

-         Parody - Men: try the “Schmekel Shield”

-         What are the real numbers for unemployment?  

8AM (1):

-         Men: If your woman requires an elaborate marriage proposal, run far away.

-         Is there an Entourage movie in the works? Rumor has it that Gary Busey may make an appearance, which we all know is a good move.

-         Remember the British Airways Concorde?

8AM (2):

-         5 Random Facts

-         You can see Charlotte Ross naked on the PETA website.

-         What happened to Billy Ocean? Maybe Bill Cosby took some advice from Ocean’s lyrics “Hey, you, get into my car!”

8AM (3):

-         Great news: We got a stellar topless selfie today!

-         John Stossell summed up Barack’s speech perfectly last night.

-         Bill Cosby has no lack of supporters at his shows. In a recent gig in Denver, the show was sold out.

-         What kind of an idiot steals a military Humvee?

8AM (4):

-         Parody: Do you recognize these common female sounds?

-         Kids these days know no other life than one filled with handheld mobile devices.

9AM (1):

-         Breaking: An armed League City man has barricaded himself in a home. Word is a child may be involved.

-         SWAT teams will act on any hunch that comes along.

-         Celebrity Birthdays

9AM (2):

-         Great news: Police have apprehended the ‘skinny jeans bandit’  

-         Remember: Skinny jeans don’t make you skinny!  

-         Men: If your woman has cankles when she’s young, it means bad news for the future.

-         Joe Biden is ancient! According to him, he may run in the next presidential race. Wait, what?

9AM (3):

-         Facebook will now allow users to flag ‘fake’ news stories.

-         Let’s remember: Islam is a religion of peace and love.

-         Saudi Arabia beheaded 88 people last year.

9AM (4):

-         Is there a case to be made after it was discovered that New England deflated their footballs before the game?

-         A middle-aged man died after he decided to have sex out in the open in a hot spring.

-         There’s a new double-stuffed Oreo slated to be released on Valentine’s Day this year.