5AM (1):

-         Obama wants you to believe that the biggest threat to America is ‘global warming.’ In reality, the biggest threat to the country is Barack himself.

-         Brian Williams has been suspended without pay for six months.

-         Jon Stewart has chosen to leave The Daily Show. Why anyone would leave such an easy gig is beyond us.

-         It’s becoming trendy to announce retirement these days.

5AM (2):

-         What other news is there to talk about than Brian Williams and Jon Stewart?

-         In 2014, there’s practically no money to be made off of recorded music anymore.

6AM (1):

-         Audio: Latoya Cantrell wants you to know it’s important to get back to smelling good and looking good.

6AM (2):

-         How old a gal is Latoya Cantrell anyway? Maybe she was named after the Jackson family…

-         Parody: If you’re looking for a good vacation spot this year, look no further than the armpit of America, New Orleans!

-         Jack White has blacklisted Oklahoma University from any future tours after the school revealed to the world the financial terms of his tour and, moreover, his secret guacamole recipe!

6AM (3):

-         Remember the show Bosom Buddies?

-         Bryn Mawr College in Pennsylvania, a previously all woman’s school, has started accepting males that identify as ‘female.’

-         Parody: How will the girls of Bryn Mawr College react when the first transgender student wants to shower with them?

6AM (4):

-         Brian Williams has been suspended for six months without pay. When will his apology come?

-         Parody: How many apologies will Brian Williams have to make in order to regain the trust of the American people?

-         Thanks to Barack, the US is enduring the highest tax rate in the history of the nation.

7AM (1)

-         What exactly is a “hand angel?”

-         JJ Watt has bought himself a log cabin in the middle of nowhere in Wisconsin.

7AM (2):

-         What is Johnny Football in rehab for?

-         Parody: Yet another Brian Williams apology.

-         Calls

-         45 years ago yesterday marked the beginning of ZZ Top’s public career.

-         We’ve all wondered how many times Samuel L. Jackson uses the word “M-F’er” a day. According to Jackson, 40 times is a nice number.

7AM (3):

-         In Stephenville, Texas, the trial against the killer of Chris Kyle will officially commence this morning.

7AM (4):

-         Word to the wise: Don’t make negative comments about your new job on social media. A girl was recently fired after her negative comments on her new job caught the eye of her boss.

-         Parody: Turns out Brian Williams wasn’t the guy responsible for the death of Osama bin Laden.

-         Turns out that the word “shrapnel” was the last name of the man that coined it.

8AM (1):

-         Some are confused why we’re so upset that Brian Williams lied to us. After all, there’s a man in the White House doing that every day.

-         5 Random Facts

-         According to a survey, 75 percent of Americans don’t trust Brian Williams.

-         Taylor Swift has now been made into a wax figure.

-         Parody: Barack sings the hits

8AM (2):

-         Barack has formerly asked Congress if he can ‘declare war on ISIS.’

-         3 Muslim students have been killed at the University of North Carolina.

8AM (3):

-         What kind of things is Barack really doing behind our backs?

-         What are the craziest ways that people have quit their jobs?

-         Current radio ratings are based on affirmative action. Why else would a hip hop station in Des Moines be number one?

8AM (4):

-         Parody: How does Harrison Ford feel about Valentine’s Day?

-         Who will replace Jon Stewart on the Daily Show? Maybe Brian Williams should take his place since he already broadcasts fake news…

9AM (1):

-         Celebrity Birthdays

-         Which movies did the best in the box office over the weekend?

-         Important news from the DGAC: (wait, who?) – Avoid foods with high cholesterol.

9AM (2):

-         Apple is now a $700 billion company. In fact, if Apple was country, it would be the 55^th richest in the world.

9AM (3):

-         Calls – Listener Shelly wants us to know that not all government workers are lazy.

9AM (4):

-         A woman that asked her OBGYN to show her where the ‘spot’ was is suing him because he refused to use a diagram for the demonstration.

-         Homework for the day: What is Obama really up to?