5AM (1):

-         Let’s face it: this show is all about little pieces of information that you won’t get at NBC or CNN.

-         The Obamas took separate vacations for Valentine’s Day; be prepared to foot the bill.

-         CNN will be hosting a special dinner for Barack and Michelle.

-         Why is it that there’s never a fun-run to end cancer treatment? After all, it’s usually the treatment that kills, not the cancer.

5AM (2):

-         41 percent of college students believe that Michelle Obama will take over in the instance that Obama dies.

-         Strong Face has decided that macaroni and cheese will not be tolerated in the White House kitchen.

6AM (1):

-         According to one politician, most terrorists are just down-on-their-luck creative types that need jobs.

-         Calls – Let’s stop calling Muslim terrorists ‘radical;’ after all, they’re just adhering to their religion.

6AM (2):

-         Parody: In every terrorist there’s a little executive struggling to find their way.

-         In hip hop news, rapper Bizzy Bone was kidnapped.

-         Audio: According to Geraldo Rivera, rap has done more harm than good to the minority population in America.

6AM (3):

-         Guest: Andre DiMino – Italian American One Voice Coalition

6AM (4):

-         Parody: Introducing a new game just for attention hounds

-         According to Amber Rose, Kim Kardashain is OJ Simpson’s biological daughter.

-         Before Barack, FDR was probably the most communist President the country has ever seen.

7AM (1)

-         Thanks to the Westminster dog show, the Beagle is the most popular dog in the country.

-         The reason that Barack and Michelle travelled separately over the weekend might be because Michelle is on the rag.

-         An apartment in Houston caught fire overnight, leaving residents stranded outside in 35 degree weather.

7AM (2):

-         Parody: Jobs for Jihadis

-         Who wants to be the King of the US next?

7AM (3):

-         A recent study has revealed that television networks like TBS are speeding up their shows in order to fit more commercials into the hour.

-         How many white women has Aftroman knocked out?

7AM (4):

-         The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is being banned by some schools as required reading due to the prevalent use of the ‘N’ word.

-         Even CNN is wondering if Obama will use the phrase “Islamic extremism”

-         Obama looks like the kind of guy that’s digging in for a long stay in the White House.

8AM (1):

-         Not even the Mexican cleaning woman understands the principle of a controlled border.

-         You’d think that the people that review bad restaurants on the Internet had just encountered an act of terrorism.

-         Parody: Jobs for Jihadis

8AM (2):

-         An Oregon man claims that the cops nearly beat him to death in his cell. After the cops released surveillance of the man beating himself, however, he changed his tune.

8AM (3):

-         Audio: Another thug’s family is outraged after he got shot for his crime.

-         Yesterday in New York, the media reported that a Texas man named “Haseem” dragged a donkey behind a truck for six miles. Haseem isn’t a Muslim man, of course.

-         Yesterday a Houston TV station reported on the best ‘selfie sticks’ to buy.

8AM (4):

-         Parody: Come to the USA

-         Turns out that Californians love to kiss their dogs

-         Calls

9AM (1):

-         Celebrity Birthdays

-         According to reports, the ‘bro’ community is looking for a more organic way to consume their nutrients.

9AM (2):

-         Who knew that Krispy Kreme is racist?

-         In Pennsylvania, some people will shoot you over a single cigarette.

-         Ironically, Texas is one of the few states that don’t support an open-carry law.

-         In theory, doesn’t it seem more effective to conceal your weapon rather than open carry it?

-         Calls – Linda is riled up and may need a quickie in order to calm down

9AM (3):

-         Can breast milk be turned into various cheeses or other dairy products?

-         Audio: Pat Robertson sounds like he has experience with hookers.

-         Audio: Who would’ve thought that Pat Robertson supports sex changes?

-         Prior to the 1930s, no nudity and no curse words were allowed in films.

9AM (4):

-         21 percent of Democrats believe that Obama needs to be carved onto Mt. Rushmore.

-         Surprise: Crime has broken out at the “Obama Express” grocery store.