5AM (1):
- Hillary Clinton
spent last night at an event honoring corrupt journalists. Of course, all she
cares about are journalists that make her look good.
- Harrison Ford
crashed his airplane into an LA golf course yesterday, but the actor walked
away with cuts and bruises.
- Hillary has
instructed her minions to release all the emails she has inspected herself. She
feels that her level of transparency is unrivaled.
5AM (2):
- The Federal
Government is printing money with no value to back it up.
- Why do so many
grandpas fish? Maybe it’s because they can’t do anything else anymore.
6AM (1):
- Doug Giles wants
to know why gay people and raging liberals continue to slam Christians, yet say
nothing about Islam.
- TV people want
you to know how young at heart they are by using words like “trending.”
6AM (2):
- Parody: Harrison
Ford is doing better than you think.
- Emails
6AM (3):
- Audio: A
controversy has arisen over the gay joke that never aired in the movie Back to the Future.
6AM (4):
- Parody: “What
difference does it make?”
- Parody: Shirley Q
- “If I was a white woman”
7AM (1)
- Gay people love
to use the word “homophobia.” If the suffix “phobia” can be tagged to any word,
what other words can we come up with?
- Parody: A message
from Barnum and Bailey’s Circus
- People that throw
around the word “racism” are often times the most racist of all.
- If you type
“loser.com” it will take you directly to the website of Kanye West.
7AM (2):
- Parody: Looking
to start a family? The Mayor of Ferguson wants to urge you to start it here!
- Calls
- A dairy company
based in Iowa is releasing Peeps-flavored milk.
- India seems to
have a huge problem with rape. It’s like living in a nation filled with Bill
Cosby’s.
7AM (3):
- Perhaps we aren’t
respected enough for the news we don’t report.
This includes things like Kim Kardashian revealing her new platinum blonde hair
to the world.
- Emails – Jeb
reminds us that the freedom to be a proud white man isn’t a right in Atlanta.
- A guy was busted
buying auto insurance at the scene of his accident. Unfortunately, that’s
illegal these days.
7AM (4):
- Audio: “Pissed
off Rednecks”
- The AR-15 is the
number one defense rifle in the US.
- Cosmo has
compiled a list of the worst dating mistakes a guy can make.
- Sad News: Susan
Sarandon and her 38-year-old boyfriend have broken up.
8AM (1):
- Guest: Sean
Patton – comedian, at Improv Houston
8AM (2):
- Bruce (Belinda)
Jenner has decided to keep his penis. According to him, it’s too late in the
game to remove it.
- What movies are
coming out this weekend?
- It looks like
more illegal immigrants are on their way over to the US. Tax refunds will be
issued to those who enter the US within the next six months.
8AM (3):
- Don’t forget to
set your clocks forward one hour before you go to bed on Saturday night.
- Thank God for the
news anchors on TV. Some news stations have produced programs dedicated
specifically to telling viewers how to cope with the loss of the DST hour.
- 5 Random Facts
- Kim Kardashian
has dyed her hair platinum blonde.
8AM (4):
- Fun Fact: Jim
Bowie didn’t actually take a Bowie knife to the Battle of the Alamo.
- Parody: Despite
reports, Harrison Ford is doing just fine in the hospital.
9AM (1):
- In 1923, female teachers
had to sign a contract that prohibited them from dressing or acting womanly.
- Celebrity
Birthdays
9AM (2):
- 7 out of 10
Americans use their tax refund to pay off debt.
9AM (3):
- Who knew that
Vanilla Ice is a political rights activist?
- Harrison Ford
crashed his plane on a LA golf course near the airport he intended to land on.
Experts are applauding his effort to steer the plane away from populated areas.
- If you move near
an airport, don’t bitch about the noise.
9AM (4):
- Thank God we have
the White House to look out for us. ‘Officials’ want Americans to eat better
and lead greener lives in an effort to save the planet.
