5AM (1):

-         The one week time frame to complain about Daylight Saving Time has passed. Can we collect Daylight Saving disability?

-         Sending John Kerry to the Middle East is simply testing fate. His head sure would look good on the spire of a fence.

5AM (2):

-         St. Patty’s Day falls on a Tuesday this year, which means that the upcoming weekend will be deemed St. Patty’s Day weekend.

-         Throngs of white people were arrested in Chicago over the weekend. This is unusual, as the city is known for arresting black people.

6AM (1):

-         Gene Gene the Dancing Machine from The Gong Show has died at the age of 82.

-         Tip: Getting filthy rich will ruin your life

-         Taylor Swift’s cat owes her $40 million for scratching her insured legs.

-         Audio: Kevin Bacon has been featured in an egg commercial.

6AM (2):

-         Kid Rock’s country album sucks. The industry isn’t about country anymore.

-         Boston has officially received the snowiest winter on record. At the same time, the West Coast is receiving some of the hottest weather on record for this season.

6AM (3):

-         GUEST: Mikey – He dry humps the air

6AM (4):

-         Audio: Robert Durst of HBO’s The Jinx says he “killed them all”

-         Houston is a big city for police chases.

-         Sean Penn and Liam Neeson hate guns. Ironically, their careers have been based on the fact that gun fights sell movie tickets.

-         Can you transplant a penis/

7AM (1)

-         Parody: Liam Neeson will sleep with anyone on St. Patrick’s Day

-         It’s never too early to start talking about upcoming movies. After all, WWIII is on the way, but who wants to talk about that?

-         According to reports, the new Bond girl will be Mexican. Who cares as long as she’s hot?

-         Let’s talk penises: A South African doctor claims that he successfully completed the world’s first penis transplant.

-         Sausage theft may be on the rise

7AM (2):

-         Parody: Want to have your own private email server? Try DC-Matic.

-         Fleetwood Mac must’ve been so proud that the Clinton’s chose their music to use in their campaign.

-         Hot sauce saved the life of a Chicago man

-         According to reports, Hertz car rental plans to put cameras in their rentals. The company, however, states that they don’t plan to use the surveillance system.

-         Would you rent a car from a rental company that downloads the speeds at which you drove the car?

-         This day in history

7AM (3):

-         The Lt. Governor of Missouri claims that Eric Holder did nothing but incite riot when he travelled to Ferguson last August.

-         Taser Report

7AM (4):

-         Putin Report

-         Could Sean Penn play the role of Putin in a film?

-         Putin is missing.

-         A gun fight broke out over the weekend in Louisiana over the best beer: Budweiser or Busch.

-         This day in history: A little Steve Johnson was born

8AM (1):

-         According to the powers that be, the term “March Madness” is on the list of prohibited phrases to use on radio and television.

-         A Madden basketball game will soon be released. Thing is, John Madden was never associated with the game.

-         Remember the guy that got fired from Univision for making negative comments about Michelle Obama? That was during the show El Gordo y la Flaca

8AM (2):

-         If you believe in reincarnation, what if you were to come back as a cow?

-         Million Dollar Arm is a surprisingly good movie.

8AM (3):

-         Mexican pot used to be the ‘gold standard’ for por once upon a time. Not anymore. Turns out that Mexican people want US pot, not their stuff.

-         Parody: Now that pot is legal in Utah, all is good, right? Wrong! Evil bunnies are out to get your pot!

8AM (4):

-         Barack Obama is now officially the world’s greatest gun salesman. Thanks to him, a $9 billion boom to the gun industry has been witnessed since his presidency. In fact, gun shops are probably dreading his departure should he decide to leave office.

-         5 Random Facts

-         In America, the term “elevator” is used. In England, “lift” is the common term.

9AM (1):

-         Celebrity Birthdays

-         James Madison’s wife, Dolly, sure makes some good cakes!

-         This day in history

9AM (2):

-         How will you celebrate Spring Break this year?

9AM (3):

-         It’s been 29 years since the Police broke up. For some reason, however, the guitarist is offering suggestions on why the band broke up. Why has this surfaced nearly 30 years after the breakup?

-         If today was the last Walton and Johnson show, how would you mourn?

-         Since cloning is becoming more commonplace, it’s safe to say that there’s no lack of W&J DNA for the cloning process.

9AM (4):

-         What age is too old for a kid to sleep in bed with you?

-         Thank God that Vladimir Putin has appeared back in public. It’s been 11 days since Putin has made a public appearance.

-         Was Putin in Austin over the weekend?

-         The LSU Tigers have earned a 9 seed and now matchup with NC State in the 2015 NCAA Tournament.

-         Before the department of education ruined the American education system, the U.S. was number one in intelligence and innovation.