5AM (1):

-         There are so many trademarked sports phrases that you can’t say on the radio these days that you might as well just say them.

-         Here’s a shocker: The man that attacked a guy with a machete at the New Orleans Airport had mental problems.

5AM (2):

-         The US has walked away from Yemen. Last year Barack attributed Yemen as one of his greatest success stories… not anymore.

-         How does one lose an airplane? Just ask Barack.

-         Ted Cruz has a major announcement to come later in the day. Everyone just needs to act surprised.

6AM (1):

-         A 10-year-old boy in the news claims to be a reincarnated Hollywood actor.

-         Have you heard the new news about Sean Penn’s new movie? The film came out Friday but unfortunately bombed in the box office, making just $5 million.

-         “Mini Me” had a seizure over the weekend at the Comic Con festival in Waco.

6AM (2):

-         It’s no surprise to anyone that Ted Cruz is running for President. The man has been doing all things to indicate this fact over the past year.

-         Why haven’t we ever seen a female version of the Kid Rock midget?

6AM (3):

-         Does the soft lamb’s hair that sits on the top of Rand Paul’s head work to his advantage?

-         The next politician that decides to use a midget that knows sign language as their interpreter will be President of the United States.

6AM (4):

-         5 Random Facts: You may be worried about ISIS, but 55,000 people die of rabies each year.

-         If Ted Cruz were gay, he’d probably have a better chance at winning the election than he does now.

-         According to a study, men are more likely to buy a product with a half-naked man in it rather a scantily-clad woman.

-         Should it be a crime for anyone over the age of 13 to enter the bathroom of the opposite sex? Thank God someone is tackling these sensitive issues.

-         In America, the tyranny of the minority is justified because of one’s feelings.

7AM (1)

-         Parody: You know what time it is - March Madness time!

-         This just in: Having sex after the first date doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t have a relationship.

-         What else did the machete-wielding nut at NOLA Airport have with him? The list includes smoke bombs and tank of chemicals in the trunk of his car.

-         Bad news for Sean Penn: His movie only netted $5 million over the weekend.

7AM (2):

-         The CEO of Starbucks claims that the fact that the company will not have its employees write “race matters” on their cups is not due to the widespread criticism they received.

-         What’s the largest amount of change you’ll easily part with?

-         Mr. Eaux dug Stevie Wonder’s show in Houston over the weekend.

-         Audio: A group on YouTube called “The Piano Guys” did a mash up of Jackson 5 and Bach.

-         Is it time to get rid of fraternities all together? According to Bill Maher, the answer is “yes.”

-         There should be a website called “shutyourhollywoodpiehole.com”

7AM (3):

-         With no Jim Henson, does anyone actually care about Muppets movies anymore?

-         Kids today get their news from people like Bill Maher. Critical thinking skills are becoming a thing of the past.

7AM (4):

-         Which cities around the world have the densest population of Muslims? Not surprising, Houston made the list.

8AM (1):

-         How far would you go to defend your orange juice? A Louisiana man named Eldridge went so far as to fire his .357 three times at a family member to defend his OJ.

-         Surely you’ve heard of the death of a famous Mexican wrestler after being kicked in a match on Friday night.

-         According to yet another new study, the US came in 15^th in the happiest country in the world. Surprisingly, Paraguay took first on the list.

-         Obama might as well start wearing a Hitler-esque uniform.

8AM (2):

-         Audio: Producer Ken hit the streets of Austin this weekend at SXSW.

8AM (3):

-         85 out of 90 schools in Britain have a Halal-friendly menu for their students.

-         In parts of Michigan, lawmakers are caving to the Muslims and complying with their demands.

-         It’s now official: Ted Cruz will run for President.

-         Houston is the fourth-most-populated city with Muslims.

8AM (4):

-         Parody: Charles Barkley wants to offer his condolences for March Madness

-         Would you press charges if you were the victim of a ‘boob attack?’

-         She-Jack is back in the news

9AM (1):

 

-         This day in history

-         Celebrity Birthdays

-         Van Halen will be dusting off their guitars to perform a live show on Ellen soon.

-         Good news: No new Bill Cosby accusers have come out over the weekend.

9AM (2):

-         This day in history

-         Jean Claude van Dam is divorcing his wife. Question is: Would we recognize her if we saw her?

-         The next Mission Impossible will be known as Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

-         Andrew Dice Clay will be getting a TV show on Showtime

-         A study shows that for every extra hour of sleep a woman gets, your chances of getting sex increases dramatically.

-         Irony alert: A fire extinguisher factory in Chicago caught fire over the weekend.

9AM (3):

-         Do you know what ‘black brunch’ is?

-         A 12-year-old Denver girl has been arrested for trying to poison her mom for taking her cell phone away.

9AM (4):

-         One man’s log cabin is another man’s mansion.

-         An Arkansas fan tried to catch a baseball with a visor. The video has now gone viral.

-         The state of Texas has decided that it’s too costly to test high school athletes for steroids. The decision came after the state spent over $10 million on testing over the last few years. The tests yielded just 14 offenders.