5AM (1):

-         Here’s something newsworthy: Michelle Obama declares that “black girls rock!”

-         According to South African comedian Trevor Noah, America is almost as bad with race relations as South Africa is.

5AM (2):

-         A brand of Easter egg cookies is being recalled due to the fact that they contain eggs. Wait, what?

-         There’s a show airing on Fox tonight called Weird Loners. The show will feature Becky Newton from Ugly Betty.

6AM (1):

-         Wouldn’t you just love to see the reaction on John Kerry’s face if you were to punch him in the gut?

-         The Ayatollahs as well as the entire US government thinks you’re an idiot.

-         Trick question: How do you get into Hillary Clinton’s emails? Answer: She has no emails anymore.

6AM (2):

-         Saltgrass has some of the best bread on the planet.

6AM (3):

-         This day in history: The Eiffel tower was erected. The French seem to have a problem with erection don’t they?

-         33 years ago Americans openly wept as the Doobie Brothers announced they would disband.

6AM (4):

-         The Texans really are an arrogant team, aren’t they?

-         Barack Obama wants to lower enlistment standards for the military due to the alarming lack of new recruits.

7AM (1)

-         As long as you’re a minority that wasn’t born in the US, Barack will love you!

-         Parody: Make your life suck less ass by joining the military!

-         Instead of lowering admission standards, how about raising the standards of how our retired military are treated.

-         Americans favorite beverage is beer.

-         The Atlanta Falcons have been fined after it was discovered that the team has been pumping crowd noise into the stadium for the last two seasons. How many other stadiums are guilty of this practice?

7AM (2):

-         Parody: Joining the Air Force may be the cure for being a pansy

-         Have you ever asked your doctor if a medicine is ‘right’ for you?

-         20 years ago today Steve’s daughter, Morgan, was born.

-         The girlfriend of the pilot that killed all those passengers on the Germanwings flight knew that he had some problems.

7AM (3):

-         The replacement for Jon Stewart is a South African comedian. How will the viewership change following Stewart’s departure?

-         MSNBC has fewer viewers across the country than this show has regionally.

7AM (4):

-         Have you ever met a gay person that thinks that Elton John sucks?

-         A Florida woman on probation needed to take a urine test to stay out of jail. Testing revealed the liquid was pure Gatorade.

-         Barack wants to lower the standards for the military. What if the problem wasn’t the standards; what if it was how they advertise?

-         Parody: Join the Navy… ‘Obsession’ style

-         If an astronaut tells you he’ll be in space for 342 days, what are the chances he’s trying to avoid you?

8AM (1):

-         Have you ever seen a fight break out over salsa?

-         In Akron, Ohio, a woman stabbed a man with a kitchen knife over a can of salsa.

-         The Wiz is now being made into a Broadway musical that will air on NBC.

8AM (2):

-         If you plan on flying soon, remember not to yawn. According to a new scaling system, yawning may be a good indicator that you’re a terrorist. The list also includes things like clammy skin and a jumping Adam’s apple.

8AM (3):

-         According to study, cats hate AC/DC but enjoy more soothing musical genres such as classical.

-         McDonald’s will start serving breakfast all day. It may or may not be because of Michael Douglass…

-         Have you heard about Meerkat? It’s a new startup app that allows you to put up streaming video of your environment on social media.

8AM (4):

-         In it in poor taste to call a girl a “gal” or a “skirt?”

9AM (1):

-         Celebrity Birthdays – Today is Christopher Walken’s birthday

-         What kind of name is Reince Priebus anyways?

9AM (2):

-         Audio: Have you ever heard Metallica played on a banjo?

-         Let’s play the “what if” game. What if a group of KKK members walked into a black bakery? It’s the same kind of scenario with the gay cake incident.

-         Should Ted Kennedy get a statue built in his honor?

9AM (3):

-         5 Random Facts

-         Would you steal a dildo for your girlfriend if it ensured that you would have sex later?

-         Feminists want to know what industries where the women are in charge. They need to look at porn, where there’s no glass ceiling.

9AM (4):

-         Irony Alert: A woman in Florida that has a tramp stamp tattoo that reads “Live and learn” has been arrested for her sixth DUI.

-         People get tattoos thinking that they’re being different. In the end, they’re becoming just like everyone else.

-         Barack claims he’s a big Muslim advocate; however, he wouldn’t be able to tell you much about it because he’s never read the Koran.

-         Tomorrow is April Fool’s Day