5AM (1):

-         It seems like it’s a perquisite that only douches can work for the Obama administration.

-         Today is opening day for baseball and everyone on morning television is thrilled.

-         Remember ‘bat night’ at some of the old professional baseball games? The organization got wise to the fact that bats and beer don’t mix.

-         The new Astros uniforms look like something out of the minor leagues.

5AM (2):

-         The Kardashians went to church for Easter Sunday. What they wore made them look like whores.

-         According to Vin Diesel, if Furious 7 doesn’t win an Oscar, the organization is irrelevant.

6AM (1):

-         Parody: Charles Barkley on the Final Four

-         Would you watch a live action play doh movie?

-         Remember silly puddy? Kids today wouldn’t know what to do with it if you told them to roll it on a newspaper.

-         Austin lost their Internet for about 12 hours over the weekend. According to one man, you’ve never seen such pandemonium among young people.

6AM (2):

-         Did you out to the RCC on Friday night?

-         A man has chosen to re-write the book of Genesis and replace every instance of the word “God” with “Kanye West.” The book will be renamed “The book of Yeezus.”

6AM (3):

-         If a white basketball player made a racial slur about a black player over the weekend it would be headline news. The other way around, however, it’s no big deal.

-         Researchers at the University of Nottingham may have found the cure for the MERSA virus.

6AM (4):

-         Tiger Woods used to smile all the time. Now though, he looks like he needs a good enema.

-         Emails – There’s a new Play Doh app and it’s $3

-         Sacramento tried to set the world record for the largest Easter egg hunt over the weekend. The hunt ended up turning in to utter chaos when bigger kids started trampling the smaller ones.

-         Would you buy a ‘golden ticket’ that guaranteed your place in Heaven?

 

7AM (1)

-         Audio: Over the weekend a fan tackled a rapper after he called out.

7AM (2):

-         Would a modern high school kid be able to form a cohesive, well-written letter if needed?

-         The 50^th anniversary party for the Astrodome will be held this week.

7AM (3):

-         Why do some people pronounce the word puberty as “poo-berty?”

-         A life sized bronze statue of Lucille Ball has been erected in her home town. Fans of the actress want the statue taken down, however, because the statue looks nothing like her. Some say the statue looks like a female version of Steve Buscemi in a dress.

-         Taser Report

7AM (4):

-         Parody: March Madness – Do you know what time it is?

-         Parody: Charles Barkley on March Madness

-         Did you catch Mad Men last night?

-         A new Asian dating site has been created specifically for seniors… seniors in college that is.

8AM (1):

-         Rand Paul has released a video on YouTube that claims he’s announcing an announcement coming in the future.

-         How much do you have to donate to the Rand Paul campaign before you get to touch his lamb’s hair?

-         Police forced their way into a home in Argentina to find a 58-year-old shepherd lying dead next to a scarecrow wearing a strap on dildo.

-         This day in history

-         Parody: In Sweden, Abba is still popular

8AM (2):

-         The Parliament in France has proposed a movement to make it a crime if you’re a modeling agency that uses anorexic women. Question is: How will this be determined?

-         A 24-year-old Louisiana gal received her first DUI after crashing into the back of a State Trooper over the weekend.

-         The Pope has been living well. Recent photos depict a much chubbier version of what he once was.

8AM (3):

-         Parody: What happens when the KKK orders a cake?

-         There’s an urban legend that claims that Twinkies have a shelf life of 25 years. The truth is that they only last about 25 days.

8AM (4):

-          A North Carolina man claims that he was discriminated against after bringing a purse into a movie theater. The man claims that if women can do it, he should be able to do it as well.

-         Did Governor Scott Walker buy a sweater for a dollar? What difference does it make anyways…?

9AM (1):

-         Celebrity Birthdays

-         The creator of Scientology was a genius. A liar, but a genius nonetheless.

9AM (2):

-         Furious 7 set a record for the best April opening of all time. Maybe Vin Diesel was right…

-         What would compel anyone to remake the original Muppets movie?

-         The original drummer for Lynard Skynard died in a car crash on Friday.

-         A Texas man wishing to rob a house decided to ask the contractor next door for permission. The contractor proceeded to take a photo of the guy’s car and he was promptly arrested.

-         While much of the country is suffering, Houston is booming.

9AM (3):

-         Did you ever think a day would come where the American flag was regarded as offensive?

-         Paramedics in England are under fire for accidentally leaving the door to an ambulance open. The open door was an invitation for two teenagers to walk in and start having sex on the bed.

9AM (4):

 

-         A group of Harvard graduate students are attempting to ‘unionize’ in an effort to gain a better negotiating position against the university.

-         What exactly is ‘fair?’ The terms is completely subjective.

-         Breaking: A Federal Judge has demanded the IRS release the list of all 298 non-profit conservative groups they targeted

-         A couple in Georgia is suing a sperm bank after not disclosing that the donor, a man that claimed to have an IQ over 160, had a violent criminal past.