5AM (1):
- Why do some people insist on saying “good morning” when it’s far from it? It’s too early and we’re just too tired, so shut your whore mouth.
- Congress has approved a new ‘spy on you’ bill.
5AM (2):
- If you asked us who the president of FIFA is, we never would’ve said Sepp Blatter. Anyways, he’s resigning from the organization.
6AM (1):
- Those of you that are already paying through the nose for ObamaCare should be prepared to pay up to 2 times more in the near future. In places like Wisconsin, rates could come close to an 80 percent increase.
6AM (2):
- We’re proud to announce that none of us are running for president this election. This may come as a surprise, as it seems that virtually everyone is these days.
- Neil Cavuto compared Bruce Jenner’s sex change with the fall of Rome.
- In public schools, ‘white privilege’ is being taught.
- Have you heard of the word “trans-abled?” According to reports, the word refers to crazy people that want to make themselves disabled for one reason or another.
6AM (3):
- People are quick to forget that Bruce Jenner used to epitomize manliness, especially when he was featured on the cover of the Wheaties box.
- Audio: Bruce Jenner’s original Wheaties commercial
- Parody: John Belushi’s spoof of Bruce Jenner’s Wheaties commercial
6AM (4):
- Mattress stores go to great lengths to try and convince you that the depression in your mattress isn’t good for you. It takes a long time to break in a mattress like that.
- The ‘white privilege’ myth is costing us millions across the country. Furthermore, many classrooms are now being locked from the outside so parents can’t randomly show up with their camera phones.
- Audio: Family guy predicted that Bruce Jenner would become a woman six years ago
7AM (1)
- Parody: What if yesterday you had a purpose in the government, but today you don’t?
- Emails – People are celebrating the new open carry law set to go into effect next year.
7AM (2):
- How is it that Noah Gallagher has taken a seat on the backburner at the ESPTY awards?
- 5 Random Facts
- Nestle wants to be congratulated for deciding to remove all artificial preservatives from their products. Why aren’t people chastising them for putting that crap in our food for the past 50 years?
7AM (3):
- Lava should only erupt at night because that’s when they look the coolest.
- John Kerry has broken his leg from a bicycle accident.
- Parody: Here’s how John Kerry really broke his leg
- A new social media trend called “hold a Coke with your boobs” is sweeping the nation. It’s easier to send us the topless photos rather than post them anywhere else.
- Emails
7AM (4):
**
- Remember the Texas ranch that was for sale for $725 million? Well, it’s still for sale…
- The CBS affiliate here in Houston has attempted to use fear tactics to convince you not to support the open carry bill.
- How often do you buy Rice-a-Roni?
- A Florida man’s girlfriend decided to assault him after he refused to spoon with her.
8AM (1):
- This day in history
- Have you watched some of the videos of girls doing the Coke in the boob challenge?
8AM (2):
- There’s nothing sexy about fat people in skinny jeans.
- Bruce Jenner’s country club has rescinded his membership because he’s no longer the same person he was when he joined 17 years ago.
- 2/3 of people say that Bruce Jenner should still use the men’s locker room due to the fact that he still has a penis. Question is: what’s the percentage that gives a rat’s ass?
- Michael Savage played a clip of Obama becoming surprised at the words in a speech he never proofread.
8AM (3):
- Was Hillary Clinton a part of the ‘deflate gate’ scandal?
- Parody: Hillary wants you to go to the end of the line!
- How many of the things on this bucket list have you checked off?
- If you plan to commit a crime, don’t do it carrying two cases of beer and a plate of nachos.
- Kirk Douglas is 98 years old and looks surprisingly like Jim Pruitt
8AM (4):
- Here are some disturbing facts about illegal aliens: 1 out of every 5 children in the Texas school system is an illegal. In Los Angeles,
- Parody: Come to the USA
- A new set of headphones called “Thync” are aimed at training your brain to concentrate
9AM (1):
- Celebrity Birthdays
- SheJack’s weave must be over $600.
- For some reason there’s a huge aftermarket for black market weaves.
9AM (2):
- A guy in Delaware put an ad up on Craigslist the other day attempting to sell his almost-new golf clubs. According to him, he doesn’t use them because of his wife. He later took down the ad in fear of his wife finding it.
- Audio: The more time you put into a marriage, the less you get out of it.
- A part of the scoreboard at the French Open fell on several fans, leaving some with minor injuries.
9AM (3):
- Parody: Looking to ship your weapons? Try the TSA; there’s a 95 percent chance your weapon will get to its destination?
- There’s a 7 foot sinkhole in Montrose.
9AM (4):
- The Captain of the capsized Chinese vessel claims that the accident was due to a tornado in the area, not any negligence on his part.
- The California State Senate now has a dedicated driver ready to drive politicians home when they get too drunk, or eat too many bacon-wrapped shrimp…
- What are the chances that a guy smoking a blunt actually has the last name “Blunt?”
- A girl in the national honor society has been stripped of her title after wearing a sundress to the induction ceremony.
