5AM (1):

-    Ted Cruz is essentially dead in the water to us.
-    Republicans can’t help but commit political suicide.
-    Enough with all this political crap; Brittany Spears has a new haircut.

5AM (2):

-    Whoopie Goldberg wants Jerry Seinfeld to know that he’s just an offensive comedian, which is why he should never play at college campuses.
-    In other news, a lot of famous people are dead… at least they want you to think they were.
-    Old wrestlers used to be fat; things sure have changed.

6AM (1):

-    Let’s take a moment of silence for Nicole Goldman… whoops, Brown. Nicole Brown.
-    How does a dog tell you that he’s picked up the scene of multiple people when on a manhunt?
-    The Department of Homeland Security is not taping citizens to predict when someone might commit a crime.

6AM (2):

-    Emails – Listener Dana wants to know if it’s weird that her new boyfriend watched 50 Shades of Grey by himself while she was out of town. We think he probably had someone else to watch it with.
-    LeBron James revealed his penis to the world last night.

6AM (3):

-    LeBron James’ penis is one of the top internet searches this morning. How much of it is the fault of Mr. Kenneth?

6AM (4):

-    Parody: What if Ozzy and Schwarzenegger were film critics?
-    This day in history
-    “8 hottest things a guy can do”

7AM (1)

-    Name a recent Selma Hyak movie...
-    Uncle Sam is the modern day version of the old ‘Massa’ in slave-owning days.

7AM (2):

-    Audio: This black girl wants white people to know what’s wrong with them.
-    Most of the world’s problems would be solved if people just had jobs.

7AM (3):

**
-    A prison in Indiana is allowing prisoners to order take out from a restaurant of their choice once a month.
-    Parody: Fernando tries the new “Prison Rape Special” from Prison Hut
-    A man in Florida forced a woman into an empty lot only to be cut with a razor from her bra.

7AM (4):

-    Is Bruce Jenner going to be on Housewives of Beverly Hills?
-    Have you heard about the new hash tag called WhiteSkin?


8AM (1):

**
-    Parody: Alice Walker is a dumb girl.
-    According to Whoopie Goldberg, Jerry Seinfeld just needs to admit that he’s old and offensive.
-    The only person here that wants to see LeBron James’ penis is Mr. Kenneth.

8AM (2):

-    Audio: Wu Tang has nothing on this auctioneer
-    Obamacare is paying for sex changes but not for elderly people to live out the end of their lives with dignity.
-    A man with a penchant for horses got his leg broken after trying to have sex with it. He’d be better off going down to the local dance hall and bagging a big gal… he probably wouldn’t know the difference.
-    A 72-year-old man died in his Corvette after he got locked inside of it in the parking lot of a Waffle House.

8AM (3):

-    Question of the day: Why did the Amish choose that particular point in time to stop? Why not go 20 years longer? The same could be asked about classic rock…
-    There’s only one classic rock station in Houston and it’s the worst one in the nation.

8AM (4):

-    Billy Ed did something at the high school yesterday that he’s not proud of.
-    Should the NBA implement more rings on the court? If there was a half-court ring more people would probably tune in to watch professional basketball.


 
9AM (1):

-    Abe Lincoln told the first “back to Africa” joke. At least we think…
-    Mr. Eaux is going to make a complaint to management today for having to work on the same floor as racist Michael Berry.
-    18 percent of American couples sleep in separate beds.
-    If Hillary Clinton becomes the first female president, what will that make Bill?

9AM (2):

-    Audio: A lawmaker from Louisiana and a lawmaker from Colorado square off in court
-    What are the chances that Chelsea Clinton isn’t even Bill’s child?

9AM (3):

-    Barack is aimed at driving the country straight into the ground just like the mentally ill GermanWings pilot did.
-    Audio: Kip Attaway “Dixie Wrecked”
-    Calls

9AM (4):

-    Did you hear the terrible story in California? A man and his secretary were on a camping trip when the secretary got bitten by a snake. The man saved her life by sucking the venom out. A gay guy tried it later but with no success.
-    A New York Post writer caused a stir after writing an essay claiming that women don’t get the movie Goodfellas