Top Signs You're Too Fat For Public Transportation
--All the oxygen masks drop when you fart.
--Halfway through the full body scan, the TSA machine says, "Uncle!"
--You've spent the past six months wedged in a subway turnstile.
--Security wants to check your fanny pack . . . and you're not wearing one.
--Planes actually charge an extra baggage fee for both of your man-boobs.
--When you get onto the bus, you actually hear the Greyhound yelp.
--You once forced a plane to make an emergency landing . . . at Arby's.
--When you step on the trolley, they have to change the classification from "light rail" to "rail."
--You're on the "No Way This Plane Can Possibly Fly" list.
--Every time you get in a cab, you have to pay a "broken axel" surcharge.
--When the plane needs to turn, a stewardess asks you to lean.
--Flight attendants say that in the event of a water landing, to use YOU for a flotation device.
--Airlines make you buy two seats, plus insurance for every other passenger and the entire crew.
--When you wear a yellow raincoat, school kids try to board you.
--You actually eat the in-flight meal.
--You get on the bus by smashing a Kool-Aid Man-shaped hole through the wall.
--When you're in first class, Kanye doesn't complain about being stuck in coach.
--At $8 a blanket, it costs $168 to cover you.
--If you had a car, you'd be able to drive in the carpool lane . . . by yourself.
--The food tray gets lodged between your stomach fat folds.
--When you get in, the cab driver immediately asks, "Which buffet?"
--Remember "The Little Engine That Could"? When you got on it, it became "The Little Engine That Wasn't No Way In Hell Even Gonna Try".
